The Real Men of the WTA
Tennis is one of the only sports in the world where women compete on relatively equal footing to men. While women’s football is on a gradual upward trajectory, and women’s rugby may never take off, women’s tennis has become firmly established as a popular spectator sport.
Part of the appeal of women’s tennis has been the fact that the game tends to rely more on skill and strategy than men’s tennis, where brute power and force often result in short rallies, as well as impregnable service games.
Women’s tennis is also appealing because women’s tennis players are rather nice to look at. Few men would prefer an encounter between, say Andy Murray and Rafael Nadal, to spending an hour enjoying Maria Sharapova and Ana Ivanovic running around a tennis court in short skirts. Many (mostly male) fans were disappointed when Sharapova wore shorts and tuxedo styled t-shirt at Wimbledon 2008.
Unfortunately, both these elements of appeal are at risk. Women’s tennis is slowly but steadily being infiltrated by a horde of muscle-bound monsters who overpower their opponents with graceless brute strength, leaving male spectators with a choice between switching channels or watching in horrified fascination.
Some of these players are so incredibly masculine that it becomes virtually impossible to avoid speculating whether the WTA has been subverted by drag queens and transsexuals during the past four decades.
Here are the top five picks for female tennis champions least likely to be female.
1. Martina Navratilova
The kind of woman you'd leave your husband for.
2. Venus Williams
She holds the record for the fastest serve in WTA history, clocked at 128 mph.
Venus Williams stands 6ft 1in tall and is gifted with a swing that could punch through a granite wall. While some of Navratilova’s success on the court could be attributed to technique and choice of racquet, the same cannot be said for Williams, who simply brutalises her opponents into submission with a thundering serve and missile-like baselines shots.
3. Serena Williams
It takes balls to beat Venus Williams.
For the best part of a decade the only player capable of standing up to Venus Williams was her sister Serena. The younger Williams sister stands 6ft tall and possesses thighs that could crush a coconut. She is famous for taking on, and defeating, her sister in several Grand Slam finals eerily reminiscent of men’s tennis.
4. Amelie Mauresmo
No woman should have a perfect six-pack.
Amelie Mauresmo is built like a gladiator, and equipped with the kind of legs that would allow her to adopt a career kick-starting Boeings. Mauresmo has spent the last several years bullying the top ranked players in the WTA into submission, taking two Grand Slam titles in the process. She came out as a lesbian at the 1999 Australian Open.
5. Svetlana Kuznetsova
A square jaw and a cleft chin that would make Kirk Douglas weep with envy.
Svetlana Kuznetsova's appearance gives her an unfair advantage going into any tennis match. An hour spent facing "Sveta" is likely to put even the most accomplished tennis player off her game. Unconfirmed reports have it that Kuznetsova spends her spare time bending steel beams with her bare hands.
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